some final personal reflections...

My time in Africa has come to an end, and while reflecting on all that has taken place, I’m also beginning to look forward.

Looking back, Africa was both very challenging and incredibly affirming.

When I first got to Africa, I had only a slight inclination that my time there would be as challenging as it was. It wasn’t the food, or the work, or the languages, or so many other things. It was the Christian community. I realized that, coming from Virginia Tech where I was older than my classmates and held several leadership positions, I was in for a rude awakening. In Mongu, I was “just another guy” helping out with the Zambia Project. I thought that could be tough, but I was also excited for the reality check and the humbling experience it might be.

It proved quite a bit tougher than I expected. Not only was I doing mostly grunt work for the longest time (it was actually quite enjoyable, though often humbling), but I just felt isolated from the other medium-term interns who were working with the Zambia Project. My relationships with them made me start to question a lot of things about myself, my value, and my gifts. It hurt.

Now, let me be clear. I absolutely loved spending time with the interns, but there were a few issues that I had that caused tension with a few of the others. In my worst moments, I could be described as inflated, outspoken, opinionated, and proud. While there were some personality conflicts among the interns (picture a ton of A-type personalities working together), I would have been foolish to blame the tension on just personality differences. Though I had tried to listen and avoid confrontations that could occur with some of the other 18 interns, my need to offer my “insights” and step up when things were not happening as I wanted them to caused tension.

At the end of my time in Mongu, I had an incredibly insightful conversation with Paul VanColler, the South African missionary who started the Zambia Project. He said, “Bryan, I don’t think you’re proud or too opinionated, but insecure. Your insecurity about your own gifts and leadership ability causes you to try to prove yourself to others, which can create tension with other strong personalities.”

I felt naked. All my insecurities stood out so clearly to me, and I could feel the truth of Paul’s words: my need to appear smart, my desire to share crazy past experiences, the tension with other strong personalities. What was I trying to prove? Who was I trying to prove something to?

Over the last few weeks, since that conversation, I have felt something start to change in my heart. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone; not to myself, not to God. I am secure.

The time in Mongu was also very affirming. Stephanie and I both feel more convinced than ever that we want to live with and enjoy Jesus among the marginalized and poor. This is leading to a lot of changing plans, so prayers are appreciated.

Please be praying that I could find my security in Jesus, so that I can be more at peace with myself and those around me. Also, prayers for wisdom are essential as Stephanie and I try to discern where God’s will, our passions, and the needs all around us may lead our next steps.

Blessings!