Life Update - Cambodia, Texas, Chad and KP's from hell

Light at the end of the tunnel!

Stephanie and I have put in tons of time since Christmas applying to seminaries and scholarships to try to see what opportunities we have to study together in consistent community after we get married (besides wedding planning and other transitions). Our passion still is to live internationally and do community development work but we're hoping for a few years living together in stable community before doing that! We should be finding out soon what scholarship money looks like, so prayers are greatly appreciated!

Currently, Stephanie is on a plane to Cambodia, finishing her year of missions as she is exploring God's world and trying to find where her passions and gifts find a home in meeting so many of the needs around us. Prayers are HUGELY appreciated for her as she's in Phnom Penh for the next four months and you can find more about her trip Here and find out how to donate financially Here if you'd like! You can pray for me too so that I don't completely fall apart as we're apart for so long. =)

Right now, I am in the Houston, TX area and working for a non-profit called Chad: The Heart of Africa. It's been an awesome challenge to combine my passion for holistic community development and missions work with my engineering degree in the attempt to develop a sustainable water well repair and maintenance program in Chad. The ultimate goal is to offer support for the local Church in southern Chad and display Christ's love and care for the Muslim population in northern Chad to lead them toward the Life and love He gives.

Personally it has been challenging to be in this area because it is very wealthy. I tend to gravitate toward the ghettos instead of the affluent minority of the population. Because of that, there have been a lot of good opportunities for me to grow in character and love for this minority (as well as experience their love for me!).

A few days ago I was with an awesome friend of mine and unloaded about the frustrations I have with the wealthy Church and the problems I find in myself as I set myself up as its judge. He thoughtfully replied with a big, toothy grin a twinkle in his eye, "So, you've just found out you're a judgmental asshole!"

I just started laughing.

I often am a judgmental asshole.

(sorry, if that's offensive...)

So I am still in the middle of this whole process of being freed from that judge inside my head. God has definitely made some progress, and I feel less of the constant need to evaluate others or evaluate Christians or even to "change the world." All too often the broken changers-of-the-world seem to do more breaking. Love always seems a better motivator.

Now, that same friend of mine and I laugh about all of our "Kingdom person [KP] from hell" moments when we find ourselves "discerning" all that's wrong with Christians. Whether or not there's any truth in what we see is beside the point. KP's maximize their own sins and make little of the sins of others. It's all about self-sacrificial love for the sake of others and not judgmentally identifying their problems.

Prayers are appreciated for both Steph and I as God is stretching us leading up to the big day!

their choice. and ours

I eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil everyday.

Some things never change. It appears so attractive and good, yet it leaves a bitter taste long after it's swallowed.

Instead of choosing between life and death, I decide to choose between right and wrong. I constantly "discern" and judge and evaluate in my mind each person and each scenario around me.

The devil is the accuser. But has the accuser gotten into my head? Into all of our heads?

As I constantly judge between right and wrong, good and bad (instead of life and death), I can feel the accuser inside my head. I judge.

Often I judge others. Even more often, I judge myself. There is this constant evaluation game, constant judgements, that weigh how much I, and everyone else around me, are worth. That's the devil's game. He started the game of "knowledge of good and evil" way back when, and he still plays that same game today. Ours is a world of ceaseless evaluation and judgement, of ranking and competition.

We even rope God into this game. He is "constantly sizing us up," constantly evaluating. He's a scorekeeper. Even within the Church, God as judge rivals God as Love.

Now, I understand that one day He will judge. And, He will judge rightly. But honestly, have we made Him out as a judge that often feels more like Accuser?

The devil has always wanted to be God. He's always wanted to be worshiped as God. Have we actually confused the accuser with God? Have we given the devil his wish and made him and his accusations as "god" in our heads? Have we put the devil and his judgement game in the place of God?

We were warned about the dangers of that tree. But we still choose the knowledge of good and evil. We still choose to judge. We still choose to compete for our worth instead of knowing that it is freely given to us by our loving Father.

The choice is still there. The choice between the Tree of Life or the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Life or judgement?

And I eat...

a sinister idol unveiled

Why, oh why, was I born in 21st century America? I would have preferred living with the persecuted Church before the time of Constantine: the times of ambiguity.

Persecution, executions, brotherhood, fear, freedom, hope. Or, corruption, power struggles, conquering enemies with a sword rather than with love, riches, treachery, division. Things appear as if they were simpler at first. Harder, but more straightforward.

(Probably an illusion, but one could hope!)

Nowadays, the entire Church is split into camps: liberal, conservative; inerrancy, infallibility; historical criticism, literal understanding; social activism, the convicting power of the spoken word; truth, love. It's so hard to distinguish (and stay on) the "narrow way" from the myriad of ways that are emphasized. So much that claims to be good is really ugly, distorted, and bad. So much that is "bad" contains secret beauty.

And unfortunately, we always demonize the other group as being destructive to the Church and the world. Sadly, I find myself doing the same thing.

Our minds, then, become a "perpetual factory of idols." This truth or that is exalted at the expense of Love.

In the end, does truth (finding all the right things to believe) really matter? On the one hand, yes. How we think will change who we are and how we believe the story ends. But, on the other, no. If nothing else, our postmodern world really understands that "words are cheap." I can believe all the right truths, and it doesn't really matter. Has "truth" become an idol?

Why do I find it so hard to love people? Why am I so easily offended?

Who can save me from this body of death?

Morning Liturgy

Father, You are worthy of everything,
- All honor, praise, and glory.
Thank you for loving and pursuing us
- Even when we fight against you.
Your love is trustworthy,
- We rest in you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Selah

Jesus, you have made all things new;
- Glimpses of your Kingdom are breaking through.
Give us your vision
- To pierce through today’s darkness and cynicism.
Give us eyes full of wonder
- To appreciate each and every small joy.
Give us strength
- To resist the poison of the enemy.
- - - Rejecting his lies, - we proclaim truth.
- - - Rather than cling to bitterness, - we release debts.
- - - Instead of instant gratification, - we welcome joy.
- - - In a world of impatience, - we incarnate your love.
- - - Despite chaos, - we carry peace.
- - - In the midst of apathy, - we live with passion.
That we might celebrate Your Kingdom,
- And embody Your Way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Selah

Holy Spirit, come and fill us with Your passion and power.
- Infuse us with your love and joy and peace.
Give us grace to follow Jesus today;
- Transform us more into His likeness.
He is beloved;
- Teach us that we are beloved.
He gives;
- Teach us to give.
He serves;
- Teach us to serve.
He loves;
- Teach us to love.
May we display your beauty with our lives
- And boast about your majesty with our words.
Show us what you would have us say or do
- Or have us step aside.
Work through us
- Or in spite of us.
Today help us to serve everyone around us,
- Beginning with one another.

All because of your Love that eclipses this world.
You make us complete.
You are all we need.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Amen

Good news for ... some?

Christmas. The baby born in Bethlehem.

Cattle, sheep, pigs, and chickens to welcome him. A king hunts after him to kill him. His own people are offended at him. Prostitutes, tax collectors, and other sinners and marginalized make up his most devoted followers. The leaders of his own nation reject him. Roman occupiers crucify him.

“Good news of great joy to all people…” Funny how the angels used the same words that Caesar’s heralds would use when announcing a military victory. But was this good news for all people?

It doesn’t look that way or always feel that way.

“And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” –Luke 14:27

“Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” – Mark 10:21

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.” –1 Jn 2:15-16

The list could go on awhile. And, these don’t sound like good news for everyone.

My goal has been to follow these. According to many, I’m radical, an extremist of sorts. Many times that may be a way of writing someone off because following these verses literally seems out of our reach. It doesn’t look like good or attractive news.

I feel the same way.

This isn’t some ploy to say, “See, you can do this too!” Really, sometimes I just don’t know if I can do this. I see what I want to do, and I know that it’s good and right and maybe even joyful. But I don’t feel I have the strength to do it.

A lot of the big, life decisions started about a year ago, and I was gung ho to follow Christ as tangibly as I could. I received a job offer a semester before I graduated and it was well more than a starting engineer should make. In favor of a job that could be a means to get into the mission field sooner in closed countries, I turned down the more lucrative offer.

Months later, I was nearing the start date for my other job (still making good money, which would allow me to pay off college debt), but that job would take me away from my relationship with Stephanie, my girlfriend of the time (now fiancé), and it was and is obvious that God has more in store for us together than alone. So, I turned down the second offer in favor of going to the mission field together, sooner, after a stable start to our life together.

So now, (lunacy and obvious negligence on my part according to most) I no longer had an income to pay off my remaining debt to Virginia Tech and start life together with Stephanie.

During the spring, we had hoped to intern with a non-profit group that lives and ministers with and among the poor. Stephanie and I share a similar vision and passion, so we were excited to have a taste of what life could be like with this organization in a few years. However, the organization only had one open location for interns, and for good reason, they did not want to have an engaged couple together during our time learning from our mentors there.

Our goal, then, was (and is) to start seminary together shortly after getting married, where we would be able to grow together on a solid Biblical foundation, develop community, and find a launching pad for our future together. Unfortunately, days ago, I find out that I was wait-listed, which means limited or no financial aid, and possibly, outright rejection in another few months.

Now honestly, two small rejections within the last month or two is not a big deal. However, I feel as if I’m getting a small glimpse, perhaps for the first time, of what it means to choose to follow Christ. Everything that gives me worth and value in my own eyes and the eyes of the world has been falling by the wayside. My ability to make money, my prestige (a voice to advocate for others), and power to make a difference; all these have seemed to start slipping away...

For many of us, our possessions, prestige, and power that we find through our jobs and paycheck are our sources of value and worth. We know “how well we’re doing” based on these things. By choice and not by my choice, it feels like I’ve been losing everything that defines me, allows me to make a difference, and gives me worth. In essence, I’m not worth as much now as I was a year ago. At that time, I could go places, make the big bucks, and my opinion was valued. Now, in the space of a few months, it feels as if what I say or do makes less of a difference.

This, of course, is an overreaction. However, what have I been hoping to do with my life?

I’ve wanted to live and work among the marginalized, vulnerable, and poor. They have no decisions or capability to affect change. Often, they are at risk to lose their property or their few privileges at a moment’s notice due to the whims of the powers-that-be.

My desire has been to gradually give up my privilege and identify with them. (Of course, for me, it will never be the same as them.) However, according to the powers-that-be, choices like this make no sense, and by identifying with the marginalized, we find ourselves marginalized.

This sucks. It hurts. The small taste that I have now of losing my “voice” and “power” makes me want to change the course, to compromise, to figure out ways to use my power, possessions, and prestige for the good (instead of giving them up).

But do I really want to be like Christ, giving up my privilege in favor of loving the least of these?

Jesus being made nothing seems like it wasn’t good news for him. But, then again, it was for the “joy set before him.” (Heb 12:2)

The marginalized find the good quite easily in the gospel. But for us, the privileged, giving up our power, our possessions, and our prestige in favor of love does not seem like good news. Is it?

“Sell everything…Then come, follow me.” –Jesus to the rich, young ruler

Or is the good news only for some?